Bobby's World:

A New Year, A New Leaf

2004-08-18T00:57:35Z

I've decided that I'm turning over a new leaf in the lj entry things. In the past I've used this medium for a variety of reasons. Sometimes I make stuff up that isn't true...or embelish things that are to be funny. Other times I use it to say things to people that I wouldn't say in real life, then act surprised when they read it in my lj even though I knew they would. Brilliant....I know.

That's all finished.

This might be all finished.

Jane...Court...I think my brief love affair with lj is over.

I'm sorry

love you, see you on aim

Long time no post.

2004-08-15T22:58:38Z

Bobby: He's gay, right.
Courtney: Bi.
Jane: Damnit!
Courtney: Jane you're a GIRL

I'm just sayin'

2004-05-22T15:27:54Z

These quizzes are starting to freak me out with their accuracy.

Grease!

I could see myself as a Frenchie.

hey now.

2004-05-20T23:48:23Z

I love quizzes! Thanks Bobbie!

You're a Spirograph!! You're pretty tripped out,
even though you've been known to be a bit
boring at times. You manage to serve your
purpose in life while expending hardly any
effort (and are probably stoned to the gills
all the while).

What childhood toy from the 80s are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

I especially love quizzes when they are startlingly accurate.

so i'm a tad dramatic...

2004-05-19T01:33:28Z

Ok. The post yesterday. None of it's really important now, but a series of events happened that left me feeling like a major fuck-up. That's all.

This shall pass.

As for now, I just watched Mulan again, and I have to reiterate my previous assertion that it is, hands down, the BEST disney movie. My favorite part is at the end, when her father tosses aside the gifts from war she brings him to hug her. Mulan is SO the best disney movie. I don't care what you say. I do not, I DO NOT.

Have not been able to get rid of the persistent cold that has been stalking me since the week before Earlham's graduation. I'm starting to get seriously tired of being that sick guy who's coughing too loudly in public. I can't take the looks anymore!!

My boss at work fell asleep at her desk yesterday while reading a computer manual. It was hilarious. Except for the fact that she's crabby when she's woken up from impromptu naps. Consequently, I had to carry cases of Earlham concert tour cds all over campus, because she wasn't sure who they were supposed to go to. I guess I shouldn't have laughed at her while she was sleeping. God damn karma, it always gets me in the end.

Right now it's thunder-storming in Richmond. Very exciting. I feel like thunderstorms are sexy. They add atmosphere to life, know what I mean?

That's it for now, love and stuff.

Disclaimer: My cough medicine makes me a tad bit woozy...

Sometimes, You Just Have To!

2004-05-18T00:39:19Z

Fuck.

That's all.

Well...FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!

That's all, for real.

My God!

2004-05-15T06:00:18Z

What do I have to do to get fucking comments from you people!?!?!

This is a live journal damnit, not the fucking oscars. I shouldn't have to try this hard.

For real.

What the freudian slip?

2004-05-14T05:09:31Z

Why should I forgive you?
Disregard how I feel?
Quietly whisper?
When my heart wants to scream?

Wow. Those lyrics bring back some memories. For real.

Summer's going really well so far. It's odd, but I have the ability to interpret nearly every moment as idyllic and resonant with nostalgia for a summer that I haven't lived yet. That being said, I walked to Taco Bell tonight with Steph after we smoked, and I kept thinking, "this is what summer is about, for real." Then again, I was high.

Seriously though, it really is.

Now if my hair would stop growing and the weather wasn't so humid, life would be perfect. Alas, one cannot fight geography. Or hair, especially mine.

I also had a break through in my goal to become more empathetic.

I used to think that cheerleaders who cheer on teams that always loose (ahem, EC football) were really funny. Like in that movie where the orchestra keeps playing the music as the ship sinks. I was thinking about it today, and actually that's not funny at all. Cheerleaders are supposed to have something to cheer about and for. When they don't, it's like their destiny is taken away from them. What's funny about that? I mean, if my destiny was taken away from me, there might never be a male spy group called Cherry's Angles. Am I right?

TITANIC

whew, now I can sleep.

Ok. that bit was really funny when I was high. Promise.

The time has come...

2004-05-08T00:50:45Z

Well. It's graduation weekend. The school year is officially over. Jane's here, asleep in my bed right now.

I'm looking forward to tomorrow. I suspect it will be a really nice service. It seems bittersweet though. For various, unrelated, reasons.

I'm also sick. My voice is horrible, I sound like a cross between (for some reason) a jewish grandmother and a cat that's being run over by a squeaky tricycle. It's unavoidable however. Oh well.

And my boss at work is not being very understanding to the fact that I don't want to spend all my time in the store. I know that a lot of stuff needs to get done, but this is my last week with the senior students still here, and I already put in the required 10 hours. My summer job with them doesn't start until Monday. I hate how easily student workers fall in and out of favor at the Bookstore. Tracie is allowed to tell inane stories and look up nascar stuff on the internet all she wants, but when I don't do exactly what they want me to do, like pick up other student's shifts, suddenly I'm lazy and a bad worker. That's such shit. Whatever, I don't even care. I've already got the job so fuck 'em.

Note to self: Should use live journal as a space in which to rant more often.

...Deserves a Quiet Night....

2004-05-05T02:11:26Z

I'm a writer, and for the first time in my life, I cannot find the words. How can I? How am I supposed to, in the face of so much pain. There is laughter too. And joy. But it's there all the same, hovering beneath the surface, this pain.

I don't see a lesson in this. Maybe I am too young. Maybe I can't articulate one if it's there. I'm more inclined to think that it happened, and there's no reason. Maybe it's because even if I could find a lesson in Billy's death, it wouldn't bring me any comfort. This is what a writer's supposed to do, right? Find the lesson. Write it. Teach it. All I can think is, "my god. I don't want to do this with my life". I don't want to hang on to these emotions, make them my own and a part of me forever. It's hard, and I'm lazy.

I will though. I always do.

I Feel Like I'm Fumbling

2004-04-29T23:10:29Z

I haven't made en entry in a long time. The past five days have been rough, really rough. I find myself thinking about Billy often, but I think that's to be expected.

What gets me. What really gets me, is watching the pain and loss in his friends. It grabs me in a way I've never felt before. Mourning is a beautiful thing to bear witness to. I say beauty because it's an absolute display of emotion, untainted by the politics of life.

I wrote a poem.

There are times when the body
turns inward with grief.
Closing tight around this pain,
we grow heavy with a sadness,
we keep to ourselves, but the walls
of the heart are only so thick.
There are times, unbearable times.

The lesson of loss is absolute
and all around us.
In the eagle swooping
for the rabbit,
in the frost that kills
with a cold efficiency,
in the sudden death of a friend.

If there are times that leave
a void in our hearts
there must also be times of happiness
to fill them. There must also be other
lessons that are absolute, ones that teach us
about the terrible pleasure of life,

that nothing stops the change
from Winter to Spring, there is no
ready or not ready
for the day to move forward.
Nothing stops the magnolia
outside the door
from flowering, the tight
off-pink buds loosening
more each day. Nothing stops
the flower from unfurling its petals,
from teaching its lesson of beauty.

so yeah. everything is really emotional, and the kicker is that billy would hate all of it. especially the poem.

Springfest!

2004-04-24T15:54:25Z

Springfest was yesterday, a tradition at Earlham. I had fun, the bands were pretty good. Peter's band Giant Slor played, and it was awesome. Also, a discovered Earlham's hidden gem, Riverboat. It's this band, and all their songs are about rivers or have metaphors of rivers in them. They were really good.

The food was terrible but the people were good, which pretty much sums up my Earlham experience thus far in its entirety.

Then, I went to the video store with Peter. The plan was to rent Disney movies and watch them while drinking.

We ended up renting:
-Rebel Without A Cause
-Rosemary's Baby
-The Prince of Egypt

so the plan didn't work out exactly. I didn't drink either.

On the agenda for today:
-research for Scott Hess
-research for Barb Caruso
-Write my paper due on Wednesday, ever.

Note to self: Your hormones are a seasonal construction of Spring

Gay Superheros are HOT

2004-04-21T23:46:14Z

So. Here's what's up.

Today:
-Woke up hella early to finish a paper due at noon. Glad that's out of the way!
-Saw Judy Shepard speak at Earlham. It made me want to call my mom.
-Came back, fell asleep. It was delicious.

That's pretty much it.

Dinner was weird for several reasons.
First, I ate alone because my Saga friends (and friends in real life) didn't show up.

Second, I did not see Saga crush at all (not crush in real life, only Saga) or the "used to be a crush, but now I'm stalking him, but with good intentions" guy either. I'm 0 for 2, damn!

Third, the international table was all messed up...as in people were sitting there who don't sit there normally.

Oh, I emailed my professor and informed her that I WILL NOT be writing the pages of my final paper that are due tomorrow.

I'm going to rest. Chill. Watch a movie. Avoid thinking at all costs.

First years can't hold their liquior

2004-04-18T07:36:36Z

My arch enemy is puking in the bathroom. Muahahahahahaha

I'm going to hell!

Ah logic, my favorite inner voice to ignore.

2004-04-16T23:25:02Z

So, let me take a moment to not be jaded or bitter, if I may.

I was thinking that the word 'love' is thrown around altogether too often now days. I was thinking that when you say "I love you" you should mean it.

Then I realized this isn't true at all. I say I love you to lots of people everyday, and I mean it. I may not mean it with every recess of my very being, but I mean it. It's just like when you pass someone and say "hey, how are you." I may not always want to stop and actually hear how someone is when I say that, but the act of saying the words is important. It's an acknowledgment that I don't just want to pass someone without saying anything.

This is what I love you is like to me.

Besides, love isn't all that precious. Why keep it to yourself? It's not like you have a limited amount or anything.

If you don't tell someone you love them, how the hell are they supposed to know that you do.

This is about as idealistic as it gets folks, sorry.

Catty Like A Ballerina Who Hasn't Eaten...Ever.

2004-04-15T04:14:49Z

I love Earlham because:
-while investigating some yelling on the way back from Lobills, a friend and I discovered three people stroking the blossoms on some trees and cooing. Yes, cooing. They were tripping.

I hate Earlham because:
-saw a poet read some poetry today, and when this one guy got up to leave during her presentation, she insinuated that he had a small penis. Hilarious, yes? YES. However, later I had to listen to him tell this poet something like this: You have a lot of aggression in your poetry toward your father. When you confuse the reality of your poem with the reality I live in, it makes me wonder how you can call yourself a lover of words..." and he continued to prattle on like this, practically in tears.

I wanted to shout: YOUR PENIS DOES NOT MATTER THIS MUCH.

Instead, I tapped my foot impatiently and after his little speech was over I walked up to her and said, "I think you're wonderful"

I was captivated by this strange combination of literature and drama. I have a suspicion I would pay more attention in my classes if there was some slapping involved or something.

Hmm...

2004-04-11T18:48:15Z

I have officially been reprimanded by Courtney for not updating my live journal often enough.

As of now, I am finished with my homework through this Thursday coming up. I love being productive.

Had an interesting weekend. I didn't really feel like being around people, or being alone. I had quality time with Alana on Friday and Lill on Saturday. I've decided I am a big fan of one on one time, it's when people are at their best.

School year's almost over. Going to be a senior next year. Crazy.

And, recently I've developed a deep and profound appreciation for country music, especially of the Dixie Chicks persuasion. What's happening to me?

I am progressing on the novel. I've written the first two sentences and man, oh man are they good. Only 295 more pages to go. It's about gay stuff, and it's not porn. Imagine that.

Pepsi Freeze for the soul...

2004-04-08T03:38:28Z

If you've ever felt like your skin was so thin that at any moment it could all come tumbling out, then you know how I feel.

I've been on a journey tonight. One that began at Speedway with a Pepsi Freeze and then to the front porch at Teetor, and ended up in my room.

I went to Speedway for the Pepsi Freeze because I used to do that first year sometimes, when the drama of being a first year sometimes became too much, and I needed to get away from everyone.

I went to the front porch at Teetor because I have some good memories of sitting on that porch at 2, sometimes 3, in the morning after a night of drinking, and thinking about how the lights reflecting off the mist made everything look quieter and sometimes almost beautiful. I didn't pause long enough to sit, but it was comforting to know I still had those images.

I thought of walking to the field behind Lilly, like I used to first year, and lie on my back so I could talk to the sky. It didn't feel like that much of an emergency tonight though, and trust me, when lying on your back talking to yourself in the dead of the night is your best option, things are bad indeed.

The last time I cried was the first night I spent in our room alone, after Jon moved out. I have not cried since then, and I will not cry tonight. The question now is, when did it become a bad thing to have a nice solid cry in the privacy of one's own bedroom? When, I ask...when?

What A Night Indeed....

2004-04-01T00:54:34Z

Well. Today is March 31. Important for two very special reasons.

1. Today is Maura's birthday. Happy Birthday, you crazy thing!

2. Movie night! That's right. This very night 4 years ago Laura, Lindsay, Cera, and myself sat in the churchyard. It was incredible! I loved you guys then and I love you guys now!

I'm going to play on the internet and then maybe watch a movie.

Offensive much?

2004-03-31T20:48:43Z

So. Yesterday at work one of the women I work with from Richmond said something that was kind of offensive. An old Madonna song came on to the radio and she said, "Oh, I bet Bobby likes this song." Whatever, just cause I'm gay. So I said, "Oh, I don't really know this song..." which was a bold-faced lie. I was very calm and collected, and that shut her smug face up. The problem: The whole time the song was playing, I was in agony because I wanted to sing along with it.....but I couldn't, because I didn't want to fit into a stereotype. Damnit.

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD

2004-03-25T04:17:51Z

I watched It again today. Why do I do it? It's cheesy and all, but the clown still terrifies me.

I'm going to have nightmares tonight

God, I love being scared by silly things

Just Another Day

2004-03-24T23:01:17Z

Got an email from Emelia today. I made me happy.
Nico gave me microsoft office. Now I can be productive from my room!!
Had a nice chat with Lillian, then we ate lunch.
IM'ed with Tippy. God I miss her more than words.
Had a meeting for my group for the Human Stain. It was annoying, but only because Matt Rand was there. For those of you who aren't from Earlham, he's the MOST annoying person in the world.

Now, I'm procrastinating writing my paper. Which is ok. It's not due until Friday! SO MUCH TIME

But, I feel ill.

Shit

Old School....

2004-03-23T21:54:02Z

It's harder to be friends than lovers,
and you shouldn't try to mix the two.
'Cause if you do it and you're still unhappy,
then you know that the problem is you

So far today I've:
been to class
been to work
cleaned my room
washed my dishes
forgot to go to lunch, AGAIN
changed clothes twice
filled out my summer housing application
yearned to be a clog dancer
checked my email 18.5 times (one time only counts as half, I was interrupted)

i have a paper I could write, but I kind of just want to crawl into bed and watch movies. i borrowed the secret life of alter boys from steph, it's supposed to be good.

but

this paper is due friday. what's a boy to do?

the crazy kid came into the bookstore again. today he sat in the big chair and read the ONLY copy of the NY times we had for sale. then when he tried to put it back it was all messy and out of order. i glared at him. hard. then i said, "dude, it's only a dollar." he's so weird.

more later, if you're lucky.

Currently Reading: The Sand County Almanac, by Aldo Leopold
Random moment worth remembering: I saw peter twice today, and both times he gave me his "rock and roll play on playa" hand thing. both times! that's friendship.

Confessionals....

2004-03-21T20:35:17Z

I just spent the last two hours looking up ex's and other various boys I've been (ahem) intimate with on the internet, and making fun of their lives now. I'm the devil.

Why is a recently-charged cell phone the BEST feeling in the world?

More later

Currently Reading: Playing in the Dark by Toni Morrison
Current Song: Mercyfuck by Mary Prankster
Note to self: Got to find a way to get to Bloomington....

delicious ambiguity

2004-03-20T23:55:19Z

Yesterday, or the other day, I was walking toward my dorm and I realized I didn't have my card. Then I saw this guy who lives down the hall from me walking toward our dorm, but he was a certain distance ahead of me and it was obvious that he was going to reach the doors before me. I saw my window for an effortless entrance slowly slipping away because the day previous I had hurt my foot in back campus. So, I tried to pick up speed, but couldn't because of my minimal, yet painful injury. It reminded me of that one class in Eco Bio, when I realized that I was at a biological disadvantage because of my poor eyesight. For instance, if I was a bird I would die because I couldn't see worms on the forest floor, or I could like fly into a tree or something. Anyway, as I was furtively trying to reach the door, I thought to myself, if I was a wolf, the rest of my pack would kill me because of this slight, yet significant injury. Isn't that messed up?!

Spring Break is almost over. I'm ambivalent.

Feel restless. Far too jittery to do homework or anything else actually productive.

There's a wedding reception in SAGA. For those of you not at Earlham, that's the cafeteria. Right now SAGA is decorated in balloons and streamers and stuff. That's crazy! CRAZY. Who would want to have their wedding reception in SAGA?! If I was a women getting married, I would not stand for that shit. For real.

Jon called me from Ireland the other night. It sounded like madness. They were in Dublin for St. Patrick's Day. He told me about how he almost go arrested, but then he didn't. That's hard core!!! I hope I never get arrested. I'm far too delicate for prison.

I've also recently been informed that live journals aren't considered "cool" I wonder if this is true. Since I've been doing this one for a couple weeks, and it never occurred to me that it was "uncool" does that make ME uncool? Interesting question. I wonder if I'm a dork, and I never knew it. Than again, the person who told me that could just be a judgmental prick. So true. So true. Which brings me to a whole other point. I'm kind of attracted to dorky people, so maybe it's cool to be a dork.....know what I mean?

currently reading: The Human Stain, Philip Roth
new favorite song: Busby Berkeley Dreams, Magnetic Fields